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Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.

Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in our living rooms.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

This email is never sent unsolicited. It is only sent to you because you are lucky enough to know the sender.

Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.

Today's subliminal thought is:
Today, my marker board reads: 'This month is Farm Animal Awareness Week.' It is also National Singles week. Please do NOT get the two mixed up.

Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again." - Jay Leno

"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!" - Homer Simpson

"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."

"The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.

Absence makes the heart grow fungus.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor's cute, screw the fruit

And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?".

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry".

Don't abuse marijuana... smoke it gently and carefully.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.

Elephants wear tu-tus so they can hide in pine trees. Did you ever see an elephant in a pine tree? No? Well then, you know it works.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Forecast for tonight: Dark.

Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional.

Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.

Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".

I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.

I have spent most of my money on women and beer. The rest I just wasted...

I like feminists - I think they're cute.

I'd give a thousand dollars to be one of them there millionaires!

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

It's so cold here, the lawyers have there hands in their own pockets!

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